Showing posts with label sf. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sf. Show all posts

SPACEHOUND SKYLARK OF THE STARS AND BEYOND!!

by F.F. "Bones" Norman

Professor Crane Quackinbush sat in his lab, royally pissed off. He had just figured out a principle of quantum physics which might allow the controlled total conversion of matter to energy.
Well, it didn't work.
"Fornication," Crane said, leaning his arm on the table in the spilled root beer.
"Hi! Whatcha doin', Quacky?" asked the professor's huge-breasted red-haired girlfriend.
"Oh, Muffy," said Crane, "my secret formula didn't work. I added the eleven secret herbs and spices but I can't crack the secret recipe."
"Don't sweat it, Bigdaddykins," said Muffy, her solidly packed chest heaving as she chewed her gum. "Everything will come out fine."
Suddenly, 23 armed men crashed into the lab. "Must be some of Bob Camshafter's men!" Crane shouted. "Hit the floor, Toots!"
She did, landing on her more than ample mammaries.
"Quick, Muffy! Give me your guns!" Crain said. She pulled a pair of 45s from her shirt and handed them over. With a gun in each hand, firing from the hip, he let out a steady stream of fire power toward the attacking bad guys. He realized just as he ran out of bullets that firing two-handed without lining up the gun sights first is a bloody waste of time. And bullets.
"All right, Professor," said a bad guy through the noise of battle, "give us the klysteron!"
"The what?"
"The fornicating klysteron!"
"I don't have one!"
"Aren't you Dr. Wolfgang Saganhoffer?"
"No."
"Fornication!"
"Wolfgang lives next door."
"Oh. Sorry."
After the bad guys left, Muffy said, "Gee, I sure hope they don't hurt Wolfie. I sure like him."
"He'll be okay," said Krane, staring at Muffy's magnificent mounds. "He's a big boy." "I know."
"Hi, Doc. Hi, Muffy," said the paperboy, tossing Craine's newspaper into some large beakers full of Kool Aid and dry ice. "Hey, Doc, guess what? I just invented a cheap method of controlled total conversion of matter to energy."
"Fornication," said the Professor. "Ah, but I bet an untrained dolt like you couldn't possibly put that discovery to any practical use."
"Yeah, I guess. Except I made this conversion drive starcraft out of this abandoned oil tanker I found. I was thinking of going to Tau Ceti. Wanna go?"
"No!" shouted Krain. "I don't want to go for a ride in your stupid oil tanker!!"
The paperboy went on to become Overlord of the galaxy and he locked Cwaine and Muffy in a prison on the planet McGuffin IV. He forced the Professor to work endlessly on projects to benefit mankind, and forced Muffy to wear low-cut, slinky dresses in the daytime.
Soon, the pressure became too much for Craine to hear.
"That's enough!" he screamed at his former paperboy. "I can't take it anymore!!"
"Oh, all right," said the former paperboy. "Muffy, take off your dress."
"That's not what I really meant," said Crainne.
"What did you mean?"
"I'm pissed off! I've spent the entire story so far being pissed off. This story isn't any good at all. I quit! I'm going to get a job in a Heinlein juvenile novel."
"Oh,"cried Murry, attempting to refasten her dress which kept popping open at the slightest provocation. "I didn't expect that to happen. Oh, well."
Quain went on to his career in Heinlein novels and was still pissed off all the time. The paperboy remained Galactic Overlord until he turned 42 when he and Muffy retired to a small star cluster orbiting the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. Professor Saganhoffer survived the attack, thanks to his collection of trained attack skinks. Bob Camshafter never got the klysteron, nor did he ever find out just what a klysteron was. In fact, he never appeared in the story at all.
"Fornication," said Bob.





Part Two – Ignores Part One
   The silver, dart-shaped spacecraft swung madly through space. “Fornication!” yelled Captain Dwayne “Spunky” Spongester over the roar of the engines as he grabbed at the steering wheel. His ship, the small freighter Mulroney, was totally out of control, its course twisting and tumbling like errant fireworks. It was a good thing Spongester had put on his driving gloves, otherwise he might not have been able to grip the wheel.
Quick, Mavis,” he shouted to young woman in the co-pilot’s seat, “switch to auxiliary!”
Princess Mavis Octavia quickly scanned the controls. She’d had only limited spaceship flying experience as a member of the Royal Court of Whimbillden, but she knew enough to know they were in trouble. “Which one?”
Auxiliary!” The ship lurched and the fuzzy dice hanging off the rear view mirror hit him in the face. “There,” he pointed, “the red one!”
She pressed the button, her expression looking more worried. “What’s wrong with the ship?”
Throttle’s jammed open! And I checked the pedal and it’s not stuck! I’ll bet one of Kling Davar’s henchmen is behind this!”
Like the one I saw hanging around the ship before we took off?” “Yeah, like that one! Fornication, auxiliary’s not working either. Hit the manual override — the blue one!”
She pressed the blue button, but Mulroney continued dizzily careening out of control. Spongester knew they couldn’t take much more of this.
We can’t take much more of this! Nothing’s working!” All the controls were inoperative. With the throttle jammed open and steering gone, it was just a matter of time until they flew into a star or an asteroid. Spongester began to think their future was hopeless.


I have an idea,” said Mavis. “What if we just turned the engines off?” “WHAT?!? Fornication, Mavis, if we turn the engines off, we’ll lose power!”
Yes, so?”
So, if we lose power, the engines won’t have any more power and they’ll turn off, and if they turn off the Law of Infernal Inertia says we’ll lose all our forward momentum and slow down— Wait! I’ve got it! Stand by! I’m going to turn off the engines!” Spongester turned the ignition key to “off” and the main engies cut out. The cabin was filled with relief and silence.
Good work, Mavis. We’ll be drifting for a while, but at least now I’ll be able to fix this crate. First, I’d better find out where we are. Pass me the map.”
Reaching into the glove compartment, Mavispulled out a folded, dog-earred, wrinkled, coffee-stained piece of paper. “This?”
Yeah.” Spongester unfolded and studied the paper. “Ah, I thought so. We’re right on course for this uncharted planet,” he said, pointing at the map, “and if I’m right, we’ll drift right into a perfect orbit.”
Just then, Arnold the Android entered the cockpit. “Sir!” he declared imperiously, “that was the most horrific example of space flight I’ve seen this century. You could have killed everyone and dented me.”
Spongester snorted. Arnold the Android was entirely made of cantbustium, the strongest substance known. “Right. We need to fix this crate fast before Kling Davar finds out we escaped his devious plot. You go outside and do the dangerous stuff, I’ll stay inside and supervise. Mavis, let me know when we get near that planet.”
Unfortunately, Spongster was wrong. The Mulroney did not drift into a perfect orbit about the uncharted planet. In fact, it crashed on the planet.
Fornication,” said Spongester.
The trio survived.
To be continued....

Part Three –The Syndrome Factor
Captain Dwayne “Spunky” Spongester of the late space freighter Mulroney was adamanent. It didn’t matter that his spaceship had just crashed into an uncharted planet, it didn’t matter that he was stranded on said planet with only two companions (Princess Mavis Octavia of the Royal Court of Crunchiebar and Arnold the Android), it didn’t matter that right now Kling Davar’s henchmen were quite probably closing in, and it didn’t matter that he hair was mussed and he’d lost his comb in the crash. No, what matter now was that there was no fornicating way that he was going to accompany Arnold the Android.
I won’t do it,” insisted Spongester, “no way.”
It won’t do any harm,” pleaded Mavis. “In fact, it might be fun. I want to watch!”
You’re sick. I won’t do it.”
Please,” Mavis pouted. “Would you do it for me?”
For you? I doubt it. I don’t know anything about you, except you’re supposed to be leading me to your bank machine to pay off your gambling debt to me. I know those things are supposed to be everywhere, but there’s just never one around when you need one. —Fornication, quit pouting! Oh, all right, I’ll do it!”
He stopped pacing, and sat beside Arnold. “Sir,” said the android, “you do not have to do this. If you’re embarrassed....”
No, I’ve done this before. Surprised, Mavis? I guess you don’t know much about me either.”
Sir, I did serve for a time as an entertainment unit on Vegass III. Perhaps I should lead? I think you’ll feel more comfortable. Jump in when you’re ready.”
Yeah, okay. I am a little nervous. You start.”
Very good, sir. Ahem.
Row row row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily merrily merrily merrily
Life is but a—”
Arrgh!” shouted Spongster as he jumped up from the Android. “I can’t do it! I just can’t, I’m not ready—”
Not ready for what?” asked the voice of the man coming over the hill.
Look!” cried Arnold. “It’s Admiral Runté!”
GoodthingI hitthe emergency locatorbuttonjustbefore we crashed last chapter.”
Sir, I read the last chapter and I don’t recall you doing any such thing.”
Ssssh!”
Well, Spongester,” and the Admiral, “what brings you here?”
I could ask you the same thing, Admiral. When I last saw you on
the cover of this zine, you were trapped on a planet of desperate women with a secret.”
Mavis could stand it no longer. “Spongester, you know this man?
He’s responsible for deaths of millions of Cruchiebarians.”
He is? How?”
Why is Spongester unwilling to sing?
How did the Admiral kill millions of beings?
Did the writer actually stop at this point because he was too lazy to think
of a way out?
To be continued....

Part Four – The Dog Days of Space

Huhh - wha—”
Sir, wake up. The ship has crashed!”
Spongester stirred. He opened his eyes and looked up at Arnold the Android.
The ship – out of danger?”
No, sir. As you know, Bob, er, um, Dwayne, we crashed on an
uncharted planet! Remember?” Spongester shook his head trying to recall what had happened last issue.
Forget that,” said Arnold, reading over my shoulder, “last issue was all a dream!”
Oh, that’s right. I remember now. Admiral Runté, the campfire sing-a-long, Princess Mavis – all a dream.”
Well, no. Princess Mavis is real.”
Fornication!”
She salvaged the navigational computer and is trying to figure out where we are.”
But I know where we are! We’re on an uncharted planet! Help me
up! Lift that impossibly heavy girder off my legs.”
With Arnold’s help, Spongester struggled through the wreckage and found Mavis in the smashed cockpit. She’d reassembled the navigational computer, but couldn’t find a spare plug to plug it in.”
Let me see that,” said Spongester. “Two prong or three prong?”
Three,” said Mavis.
Fornication! This ship isn’t grounded! Curse this ancient wiring!”
The ship looks grounded to me,” said Arnold as he noted the strangeunearthly yet alien terrain that lay outside the crashed ship.
Never mind that cheap verbal humour now — you’ve got to stand around and watch while I heroically save you!”
Spongester pushed away from the startled android and stood upright. His legs, which a moment ago lay crushed beneath a heavy steel beam, now supported his full weight.
Amazing what a band-aid can do,” mumble Arnold under his breath.
Spongester moved slowly but deliberately to a side panel, popped the cover and drew out the back-up navigational computer (also known as a map). He unfolded it over a pile of debris, and studied it intently. Finally, he said, “I know where we are.”
Where?” cried Mavis.
Right here,” he said, and pointed at the map, “on this uncharted planet.’
Arnold sighed heavily. The author only had one goodjoke and he was milking it for more than it was worth. “So we know where we are. We are on an uncharted planet.”
Not just any uncharted planet,” said Spongester smugly. “We are on this uncharted planet.”
Ahhh. And just where is this uncharted planet?”
Why, it’s right... um... it’s right, er... oh, fornication....” Spongester studied the map again. “Aha! Here we go, we’re in the constellation Rand McNally.”
Arnold shook his head. “No. Try again.”
Oh, okay. We’re in the Yaw Yklim galaxy.”
No, you idiot—”
Near the planets of Nrutas and Retipuj—”
“—you have the map upside down—”
Oh, boys!” Mavis interrupted. “I fixed the radio. And it’s only two prongs!”
Give me that!” yelled Spongester, diving for the radio. He grabbed the controls, pausing just long enough to deliver the following exposition: “This radio is the only communications link we have. Only this radio can save us. Ourhumanity is fragile. Ifsomethinghappensto thisradio,I figure we’re only twenty minutes away from cannibalism. I’m going to turn it on now. Pray that nothing unexpected happens.”
He flipped the send switch.
Mayday mayday mayday! Oh, save me please please please puh-lease save me! Leave the rest to die but please save me. I don’t want to eat the robot but I may have to soon. And he looks way too crunchy. So save me! Save me from breaking my teeth on the robot! Please! I’m worth it! And I don’t have dental coverage! Space Corps Control is too cheap for that! Save me—”
Stop it,” said Arnold. “The signal’s being jammed. And look at the sensors! Another ship is approaching! A ship that’s really big and powerful—”
And dangerous, no doubt!”
Yeah. Anyway, the other ship is broadcasting and totally overpow ering our signal. You want to hear it?”
Golly, yes!”
Put on those headphones and flip the switch from ‘send’ to ‘receive’.”
Spongester did and listened intently. His face turned white. His jaw went slack. His wrists went limp. He unplugged the headphones so that Mavis and Arnold could hear the signal, a strange, alien screeching sound.
What are they saying?” asked Mavis. “Should we turn on the translator?”
No need for that,” said Spongester. “I speak ‘alien’. ”
He concentrated mightily for a moment. His forehead wrinkled, his brow furrowed, his ears wiggled. A small lock of hair curled down the middle of his forehead. Finally, he spoke again.
Fornication! It is an alien invasion fleet. Their world has lost a vital natural resource, and they are going to invade every world they encounter in a mad, but yet strangely insane quest to re-acquire as much of this rare but powerful resource as they can. They will not rest, they will not sleep. Death means little to them. They fear nothing. They are a proud race, a warrior race. They are of a hive-mind, serving their leader-masters, who will relentlessly drive their worker-slave-drones to attack at the slightest provocation by using their incredible over-mind mental prowess, developed through eons of forced evolution, genetic engineering and just plain dumb luck. They have powerful phased-light-photon-quantum-torpedo-blaster-ray stun-guns! They are ugly. They have five arms, four legs, sexual appendages the size of an import car, and acid for blood. They can grow replacement limbs, but oddly, they sound like Preston Manning. They are genetically engineered time-travelling macro-nano-tech ar moured fighting robotic death-machine soldier-clones—”
From outer space?”
Yes! Genetically engineered time-travelling macro-nano-teched armoured fighting robotic death-machine soldier-clones. From outer space!!! We are but flies to them. Or fleas. Or fleas on a fly. An annoyance. They plan to conquer us with the same ease that I can step on a lowly bug. they are irredeemable, oddly just like Preston Manning. We’re doomed. Earth is doomed. The whole quadrant is doomed. Perhaps even the universe itself. Even I, myself, oh so glorious me, am doomed.Fornication!”
Wow. You translated all that?”
Well, no, not really. I just inferred it. The message is only three words long.”
Oh. Well, what is the message?”
“‘Mars needs puppies!’”
{{Parts One, Two and Three were published in (respectively) issues One, Two and Four of UTOH. Part Four was recently unearthed in the bottom of a birdcage and is being published for the first time anywhere.
We’ve been assured that this is the author’s preferred version.
F.F. “Bones” Norman’s fame in Canadian SF literary circles is perhaps second only to Robert Gunderson’s. His previous works include the novels Spam Must Die!, Muffy the Vampire Layer, and A Block of Fish. He also wrote “The Blanderputty Matrix” episode of Babylon 5.
Currently, Norman is a crossing-guard instructor on Salt Spring Island. In his spare time, he volunteers as a soccer goal post.}}

Russian Spring


Russian Spring
by Norman Spinrad
October 1992; Bantam Spectra;
 review by John W. Herbert

It's not often that a book goes from "science fiction" to "alternate history" between hardcover and paperback editions, but Norman Spinrad's latest gets caught by the speed of the upheavals in Eastern Europe. In his story set not far in the future, two lovers, an American space engineer and a young Russian woman who has decided to party (pun intended) across Europe, play out their lives against the background of the decline of the American Empire and the rebirth of the former Soviet republics. This is Spinrad's best work in ages, at times moving and engrossing, and constantly entertaining. Read this.

Babylon 5 - The Lost Tales

Babylon 5 - The Lost Tales: Voices in the Dark
review by John W. Herbert

Babylon 5 is back in the first of what is hoped to be a series made-for-DVD adventures under the moniker The Lost Tales. The first disc, entitled Voices in the Dark, contains two short tales both written and directed by Babylon 5 creator J. Michael Straczynski.
Set ten years after the original series, the first story involves B5 commander Colonel Lochley (Tracy Scoggins) who has summoned a priest to B5. She is convinced that a crewman on the station has been possessed by a demon and only an exorcism can save the unfortunate victim presumably destroy the demon. However, the demon insists on being exorcised, and this presents the priest with an ethical dilemma.
In story two, President Sheridan (Bruce Boxleitner) is on his way to B5 for a ceremonial function when Galen the technomage (Peter Woodward) visits him and presents him with his own ethical dilemma: a teen-aged Centauri Prince that is traveling on the same ship as Sheridan will grow up to lead a devastating Centauri attack on Earth. Galen wants Sheridan to kill the teenager before he grows up to be the Centauri's leader and bring havoc and chaos to the galaxy. Essentially the question Sheridan faces is the Babylon 5 version of would you go back in time and kill Hitler as a boy?
These are short tales, each clocking in at only about 35 minutes. Straczynski has said he wished to approach this new project as an anthology show, telling small stories in the corners of the B5 universe. Perhaps he has succeeded too well in this. The stories, especially the first one, are very talky. There's only six speaking parts across both stories, and barely an extra in sight. But where they lack in action, they make up for in philosophical meanderings.
The stories are also perhaps too similar. In both cases, Lochley and Sheridan solve their puzzles by playing back something that was previously said, Lochley by listening to a tape playback while staring out alone into space, and Sheridan by running back a conversation in his mind while flying alone in a spacecraft. (Maybe that's way this set is called Voices in the Dark.) This isn't to say that the stories are not entertaining -- they are -- but there seems little to tie them to the overarching Babylon 5 canvas, and that's a pity. Mind you, enough plot threads are left dangling from the Sheridan sequence that it could be easily picked up in further installments.
The special effects are very good and Straczynski's direction is good, too. He effectively uses some interesting camera work in the Lochley segment, and he keeps a sure hand on the proceedings. The actors seem to be pleased to be reprising their roles, particularly Boxleitner and Woodward who seem to having immense fun in their scenes together.
The DVD contains many behind the scenes features, in total as long as the feature itself. What is sorely missing is a commentary track, but on the other hand the reenactment of a major scene from the show using sock puppets almost makes up for that gaffe.
So while it is not as effective as it could have been, this first volume of The Lost Tales marks a successful return of Babylon 5 to our screens, and here's hoping that there is a second helping soon.

Ark II - The Complete Series

review by John W. Herbert
On the scorched and polluted Earth of the 25th century, three young scientists and their hyper-intelligent talking chimpanzee roam the land in Ark II, a sophisticated mobile lab and research centre, to help rebuild and restore civilization. Led by Jonah (played by the late Terry Lester), every week he and his crew -- Ruth (Jean Marie Hon), Samuel (Jose Flores) and Adam (Moochie the chimp) – would help villagers and farmers fend off environmental scourges, scavengers, crazy computers or immortal demagogues in a non-violent manner.
It was Saturday mornings, after all.
In fact Ark II was the most expensive live-action Saturday morning kids’ show of its time. Produced by Filmation, it premiered in September 1976, and although only 15 episodes were produced, remained on the air until 1979. It featured some great guest stars – Jonathan Harris, Malachi Throne, Del Munroe, a very young Helen Hunt, Jim Backus and Robbie the Robot (uncredited, alas) – as well as some very cool vehicles.
The premise of each episode was often similar: the Ark crew would be assigned (by a never-seen headquarters) to investigate some strange happening in a village. The villagers would be often fearful of the Ark and its crew, Ruth or Samuel would get into trouble, but then the villagers would realize the error of their ways and everything would turn out okay. But not before Jonah would have to fly around in his jet-pack. (And no wires here, kids – it was a real flying jetpack. Is that cool or what?))
It wasn’t as cheesy as it sounds, although the production values are sometimes lacking (each episode was shot in only three days). Each episode contained a “message,” but viewers were never slammed over the head with it and the show never sank to the level of cliché. They even went out of their way to avoid the obvious cliché – Adam the chimp is never played for comedy relief; he was an equal member of the crew. Even if he was wearing a diaper under his costume.
The show was shot on 16mm film, so it’s never going to look great. That said, the newly remastered DVD release makes the series look pretty good. And for a 30 year-old series that only filmed 15 episodes, there’s a wealth of behind-the-scenes material: two episode commentaries, a new “making of” documentary, plus assorted photo and art galleries. But wait – there’s more! Also included is DVD-Rom material, including all the shooting scripts, plus the series bible.
Many of the Filmation live-action Saturday morning shows are due to be released on DVD in 2007.
Can a review of Jason of Star Command be far behind?

Man With the Screaming Brain

review by John W. Herbert

B-movie king Bruce Campbell stars in (and co-wrote and directed) Man With the Screaming Brain. Campbell plays an American businessman who, along with his wife, is in Bulagria for a business meeting. He’s the typical "ugly American," loud, impatient an dimpolite. His marrige is on the rocks, and he doesn’t help matters by flirting with a mysterious gypsy woman. His wife helps even less by giving their cab driver an extra big tip. It turns out that the cab driver was engaged to the gypsy, resulting in all manner of murder and mayhem. Fortunately, the bodies end up in the hands of a mad Bulgarian scientist (Stacey Keach(?!)) who (with his Russian assistant played by Ted Raimi) has a knack for transplanting brains and resurrecting bodies.
Essentially, this is pretty silly stuff. It gives Bruce Campbell a chance to do his best Steve Martin impression, and his character ends up sharing his brain with his wife’s lover, the cab driver. Shot on location in Bulgaria, the film has pretty good production values for a film of with a limited budget.
There’s a good number of extras for a low budget movie. There’s some behind the scenes docs, but the best one is a short feature where Campbell and his writing partner chart the 20+ years it took to get this film made. This was worth the price of the DVD all by itself.
Nothing in the film is overly impressive, yet nothing is really embarrassing either. Well, maybe Ted Raimi’s version of Russian rapping. Thankfully, it’s short. Otherwise, it’s a solid and enjoyable, fun B-movie.

Lost - Season One

review by John W. Herbert

Imagine being marooned on a desert island in a plane crash with forty-plus other people. The plane was off-course, no one knows where you are. You’re running out of food, water, supplies. Things look grim. Slowly you discover that some of the people on the island with you are not what they appear to be. Even worse, the same is true of the island. You are well and truly Lost.
Season One of Lost, now out on DVD, sets up what may be the beginning of a long-running tv show (or maybe not — more on that later). As our castaways try to survive, they learn that some sort of unseen monster prowls the island, and that others are on the island.
The show is basically a gimmick show, with two great gimmicks. The first gimmick is the dramatic structure of the show which is a terrific idea. While we follow the adventures of our stranded castaways, we also relive moments of their lives in flashbacks. Why were each of these people of that particular flight? The flashbacks are a great way of filling in the backstory of the characters. We, as the audience, learn so much about these characters, way more in fact than the rest of the islanders do, and we understand a character’s motivation for doing something, even when their comrades do not. A brilliant conceit and it makes for riveting television.
Number two, the island itself holds many secrets and mysteries. What about the hatch? What’s with the polar bears? Who are the others? What’s up with the invisible monster? Is the kid psychic or telekinetic? And this is the gimmick which may be the show’s downfall.
A show relying on a mystery or a gimmick to survive may collapse under the weight of its own backstory (witness The X-Files). If you’re not playing fair with your audience and revealing some of the mystery of the island, your audience will leave you, um, deserted.
This season’s Lost ratings are suffering. Could it be that the gimmick has worn off already? Only time will tell.

King Kong (1933)

review by John W. Herbert

It’s been years since I’ve seen the original King Kong, I gotta tell ya, this film rocks!
The new special edition DVD features the fully restored 1933 cut (not the 1938 "censored cut" which most casual viewers would be familiar with), and it looks gorgeous. It probably hasn’t looked or sounded this good since its original release.
And yes, the acting is a bit over the top, the dialogue a bit corny, and the special effects don’t hold a candle to what can be done today, but 70 years later, it still holds together remarkably well. The plot, as if you didn’t know, concerns a film-maker who’s heard rumors that some thing exists on a south sea island. He takes his camera crew and a young ingénue (Canada’s own Fay Wray) to the island and discovers the thing is Kong, a giant ape. He plans to use Wray’s character as bait to lure Kong into capture, and then showcase the ape in a traveling show and make millions. The plan goes wrong as Kong falls in love with the bait, and trying to find her, escapes in New York, causing mayhem and death.
The film is full of classic cinema images and moments. And being the 1933 version, many scenes of violence have been restored. Kong was vicious and brutal.
The special effects, for their time, are staggering. This was the Star Wars of 1933. No one had ever seen anything like this. The film-makers who trace their inspiration back to Willis O’Brien’s 18-ich tall Kong miniature are too numerous to mention, but some that are featured on the supplements are Peter Jackson, Ken Ralston, Bob Burns, Rick Baker, Ben Burtt, and Ray Harryhausen. And speaking of supplements, there’s an hour-long biography of Merion C. Cooper, who produced Kong, and a nearly three-hour documentary on the film itself. Considering that almost no behind the scenes material exists from the actual production itself and that hardly anyone involved is still alive, the documentary does a fine job showing how the film was made.
If you haven’t seen Kong in a while, and remember it as being hokey, well, yes, you’re right. But Kong still has the power to overcome all the pitfalls that a 70 year-old movie has for a 21st century audience. Yes, it’s cheesy, over-acted, hammy dialogue, with cheap sets, and crude special effects. It still works, and works brilliantly. Check it out. You owe it to yourself. And Kong.

Illium

by Dan Simmons

review by John W. Herbert
Suffice it to say, Dan Simmons does not write small science fiction books. His Hyperion Cantos surely rank as one of the best examples of galaxy building (as well as galaxy destruction and reconstruction) in the genre. Now he begins a new series as big and complex as his earlier masterwork.
As in Hyperion, in his new novel Ilium Simmons once again draws inspiration from classical literature, this time drawing on the works of Homer instead of Keats. Ilium opens with four storylines; the battle of Troy is being observed by human historians, plucked out of time by the Greek gods who have given them amazing technology to observe the battle undetected (Zeus, it seems, has read Homer, and wants to make sure the battle goes by the book); then there’s the all the political intrigue going on at the god’s home on Olympos (it seems not all of them are happy with Zeus’s rule); on Earth in the future, a small group of the last humans, living in luxury in a technological utopia after the departure, find someone who knows the secrets of the world they live in; and in the outer reaches of the solar system, machine intelligences are detecting strange quantum energy readings on the supposedly dead planets of Earth and Mars, and send an expedition to investigate, and if necessary eliminate the source of these strange readings.
Ilium is a joy. Simmons confidently weaves together his seemingly disparate storylines in unexpected ways, yet never losing focus or getting sidetracked. The story moves briskly, from the exciting action in the ancient city of Troy to comical byplay between Orphu and Mahnmut, two machine intelligences whose expedition to the inner planets is disrupted by a golden god in a flying chariot, as they discuss the relative merits of Shakespeare and Proust.
Simmons is a writer of exceptional talent , and Ilium is an exceptional work. Be warned that this is only the first half of the story; the story will be concluded in the forthcoming Olympos.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe

review by John W. Herbert

During World War II, four British children are sent out to the country to spend the war under care of a reclusive relative. The children discover a gateway through a wardrobe into another world called Narnia. There, in a world of centaurs, griffens, and talking animals, the children appear to be the fulfillment of a prophecy that four humans will one day lead an army with the help of Aslan, a lion, to defeat the self-appointed queen of Narnia, a witch.
Based of the classic book by C.S.Lewis, Narnia is not a bad movie, but as I was watching it I kept thinking to myself Lord of the Rings did this better. Indeed, The Lord of the Rings has set a very high standard when it comes to fantasy films, and perhaps comparing anything to the wondrous magic of LotR is unfair.
There’s nothing inherently bad in Narnia. The production is uniformly excellent, and the special effects are marvelous. The intergration of CGI characters into live-action elements is perfectly done.
But for me the film never grabbed me.
There’s also been some talk about the "Christian" aspects of Narnia. Aslan’s death and resurrection parallel Christ’s, and I believe that C.S. Lewis was deliberately evoking Christianity in his story. That said, I didn’t find that this aspect overwhelmed the story. Clearly, it’s there if you want to read that into it, but death and resurrection are so much a part of fantasy and science fiction films (Gandalf and Obi-Wan Kenobi for starters), never mind other myths and religions, that it does not overpower the movie.
Look, this isn’t a bad movie. Pay your money, you’ll like it. Will you care about it the next day? That’s another question.

originally published in Under the Ozone Hole #18

Alien Apocalypse

review by John W. Herbert
In the not too distant future, insectoid aliens have landed on earth and have destroyed much of humanity. The few humans who survived are forced to work in slave lumber camps. It seems that the aliens like to eat wood, preferably when it’s chopped down and cut into 2x4s. And when they’re not biting people’s heads off.
In Oregon, the last human spaceship finally returns to earth after 80 years in space (relativistically speaking). Two of its crewmembers are played by B-movie king Bruce Campbell and Renee (Xena) O’Conner. Together, they must convince their fellow humans to throw off the yoke of slavery, to gather together and fight as one for freedom, to blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. You get the idea.
This is cheese with a capital mozzarella. Shot on a low-budget in Bulgaria, this film has the prerequisites to qualify has a b-movie: cheap sets, cheap costumes, badly dubbed foreign actors, and cheap fx. On the other hand, Campbell and cast are almost able to carry it off. It works as a film. Not as a great film, but then it’s not supposed to be.
The aliens are a good combination of puppets and CGI, the Bulgarian locations are gorgeous. The script is not-overly serious, but never falls into total camp either, trying to keep a nice balance.
This is certainly worth a look if you want a fun, no thinking required flick to rent. And it’s got giant insect aliens biting people’s heads off! How could you go wrong renting this?

originally published in Under the Ozone Hole #18

The Trials and Tribulations of Fanzine Publishing

A transcription of a panel from V-Con 30, held in Vancouver, October 2005.
Your panelists (l. - r.):


Andrew C. Murdoch: nominated for an Aurora Award for his zine ZX, also editor of Covert Communications from Zeta Corbi;

John W. Herbert: winner of four Aurora Awards (with co-editor Karl Johanson) for editing Under the Ozone Hole;

Steve Forty: Long-time editor of BCSFAZine and twice nominated for an Aurora Award.

Garth Spencer: Winner of a Casper award for editing The Maple Leaf Rag, current editor of BCFSAZine and this year's winner of the Best Fanzine Aurora for The Royal Swiss Navy Gazette.


S40: We have quite a crowd.

The Audience: I feel awful. Come on, there’s got to be more people than this!

JWH: And when you leave to go to the Harry Potter panel…

S40: Well, it’s 10:00 AM. Most fanzine-type fans are not really 10:00 AM fans.

ACM: This is true.

S40: Including me, I almost got lost.

GS: I have opinions about some of the scheduling. I thought it was just my imagination but at this convention, they did it again. They put a “How to Survive Your First Convention” panel on Friday at 5:00 PM before most everyone, especially neos, have arrived.

S40: In my opinion something like that is fine on Friday, but you should repeat it sometime on Saturday.

ACM: I have to accept some of the blame for the scheduling, because when I was asked to be on the panel, I said if it was sometime in the morning because I work that afternoon.

S40: You! It was originally 1:00! I was so happy!

ACM: Sorry!

JWH: Damn you to hell.

S40: Anyway, do we want to start now? I’m supposedly moderator, I think.

ACM (to new audience member who just arrived): You are staying here, right? You’re not going to the Harry Potter panel?

JWH: You can be up here if you want.

ACM: Feel free to move forward!

S40: I’m a former editor of BCSFAzine and these are some issues that I edited. Gestetner ink does hold up. This is many years old.
JWH: That’s sweet.

GS: Nobody denies that.

S40: That’s a three-colour Gestetner cover… how many people did those? I had the infamous BCSFAzine Gestetners and actually they were mine, mostly. And the electric stencil cutters.
Okay, we’re going to start. This is the Trials and Tribulations of Fanzine Publishing. This is Andrew Murdoch, John Herbert and Garth Spencer. And I’m Steve Forty. We’ve all put out fanzines and so on. And I’ll give everyone a minute or two to introduce themselves.

ACM: I’m Andrew Murdoch. I publish Covert Communications from Zeta Corbi. Although not recently since I’ve had a child. I first got into fanzine publishing on my own because of this schmuck and his partner in crime {{Editor’s Note: Andrew is referring to Karl Johanson, now editor of Neo-opsis magazine.}} who published Under the Ozone Hole, and I said to myself, “Hey, that’s kind of cool!” My first fanzine was nominated for an Aurora Award and lost to John and his partner in crime. A proud tradition which I have upheld.

JWH: I’m John Herbert. I’ve published fanzines, did some Star Trek club zines and some other zines, and then me and my partner in crime Karl Johanson published Under the Ozone Hole in the 1990s and we were nominated for five Auroras in row, and won four, beating Andrew once. I haven’t done much lately, except that this year, I restarted Under the Ozone Hole.

GS: I’m Garth Spencer. I used to be famous for a newszine that tried to cover Canadian fandom for Canadian fans. Maple Leaf Rag, as it was then called, followed a number of such attempts and was succeeded by a few aborted attempts that petered out. Now I’ve been editing BCSFAzine in a format not unlike Steve’s. I produce this on a monthly basis. I try to provide a variety of things outside of just stuff to do with the club – regional news, national news, fan news, writers’ market news – anything that might interest or amuse people or might even be useful. And late at night when the darkness falls and the moon rises, I try to get out the latest issue of my personal zine, which is now titled The Royal Swiss Navy Gazette. It has in the past had other silly titles, like The World According to Garth or Sercon Popcult Litcrit Fanmag. This is what happens when you have too much time on your hands. As we’ll get into later, it’s been harder and harder to get these out with the increase in copying costs mailing costs. Interestingly, this happened about the same time as the Internet became available.

S40: My name is Steve Forty. I did BCSFAzine for a number of years. It was nominated for a couple of Auroras – actually, the first time when I edited it, and the second time it was half with me and half with R. Graeme Cameron editing. {{Editor’s Note: Graeme Cameron was to be a panelist on the panel but was unable to attend due to a bizarre gardening accident.}} We lost. It’s very hard to do a fanzine like BCSFAzine every month and compete with someone who does one or two a year. And we tended to lose to those! I’m also an Elron award winner. We put out, with Jim Welch and Mark Olberg, Not the BCSFAzine 100, and Still Not the BCSFAzine 100. And it’s not named after L. Ron Hubbard, and it has nothing to do with –

GS: It’s a V-Con institution, award for worst contribution –

S40: Disservice, the word is. Disservice to science fiction. I guess now we should get into the trials and tribulations of publishing. Now the Internet is one form of it –

GS: Is it a trial and tribulation, or is it a solution?

S40: I think you’ll find there are two forms of fanzine fans. The biggest thing is the fanzine fans of old want the hard copy. They want something like that, and just printing it off in your printer is just not the same thing.

ACM: I think with regards to that, The Internet has taken over a niche that fanzines used to fill in that they used to serve as public forums through the letter columns and that sort of thing. So the Internet being so much more immediate, there’s no more community within a fanzine to the extent that that was the grapevine through which news passed. Now, the main trial is to come up with an article or solicit articles that are that much more interesting to put in your fanzine.

JWH: Exactly. When we were doing Under the Ozone Hole in the 90s, we had a few pages of news, and Garth’s Maple Leaf Rag was a news fanzine, but with the Internet, the function of being a news source has really gone from fanzines. Obviously, a club zine would have club news in it, but in terms of more generalized science fiction news or national fan news, that’s probably best served by the Internet these days.

S40: I used to have a couple of columns. One was called About the Authors by The Authors. I’d phone an author and ask him to do something on another author. And I actually had things lifted from BCSFAzine by things like SF Chronicle because I would phone all the local authors and put the news in there.

The Audience: One thing the Internet doesn’t have a corner on, if you want to phone another author, or review a movie –

S40: But even the old hardcopy fanzine you have today, you use the Internet to get the articles, so there’s really not that much difference. And if you have a fabulous set-up with a fabulous computer, you can have a fancy wonderful multi-colour cover which you really can’t do very easily on the printed copy unless you have lots of bucks.

GS: I think that the Internet has not entirely replaced the functions that used to be performed by fanzines in the mimeograph era, and the reason is that for some reasons a lot of the participatory functions and fandom-oriented functions that you see in a lot of one-man entirely voluntary publications simply haven’t been picked up. Maybe I’m not subscribing to the right newsgroups or listservs, but when I look for web pages, I find things ones that expressly professional, like SF Canada, for SF writers in Canada, or Made in Canada, whose web master is focused on films and media and writers and anything except fandom. It does make a concession by listing conventions and that’s it. The concept that there is news by, for and about science fiction fans, or there’s a community out there that might have an interest in connecting, that seems to have gone by the board. Or it’s served in different ways and I’m not seeing where it’s being served.

S40: I’d kind of like to get off that, we’re going beyond the topic. The topic is more the trial and tribulations of publishing, which would be getting your articles, troubles you’ve had actually producing the thing.

GS: We have a different take on this, Steve and I. We’ve had a different take on what needs and interests people have, just in BCSFA, and how to meet them. I’ve been flailing around trying to find the things that people would be interested in participating in, or the things they’d be interested in seeing. And I still don’t know after five or six years. Steve has been very good during his term had soliciting participation.

S40: I found that if you get a little bit of cider, if you knew what you were doing at conventions, I never had any trouble getting artwork.

ACM: I had to solicit by buying a beer for fanzine artists at Torcon.

S40: You get to know these people. Part of the thing for me was that I was always lucky that way. If you look through old BCSFAzines, this was in the days before we had much in the way of computers – when I first started doing it, I finally got my Atari Amiga 2 halfway through my editorship of about 35 issues. My biggest problem is that I am a terrible typist. The last thing I need to do is to take someone’s stuff and re-type, because there’d be ten times as many typos. So I’d just take it, photo-reduce it at your local Kinko’s or whatever, and all the pages inside the zine – you could tell I was younger then, because I was able to read them without glasses – and I’d photo-reduce it, so you have an 8 ½ by 11 sheet folded over, so you’d have lots of pages and lots of information. But it was very hard for me to re-type it, so rather than do that you’d find all different typefaces, all different styles because I just trusted my people that contributed. And I was very lucky that way, with people like Al Betz, who won an Aurora for his Ask Mr. Science column. And I’d get a letter from Harry Warner, Jr., and every fanzine editor knows you got to have a Harry Warner, Jr. letter in the olden days. And I got them, and I thought I could re-type them, or I could put in and you could see all the letters wandering and so on.. He had certain keys where the words would go like [a curvy line]. It was part of the charm, so instead of re-typing all this stuff, I would just run it as is. There was a lot of stuff in there with very few illustrations in the middle. It was just article after article.

ACM: Especially for CCFZC, I’ve been using my computer solely so layout contributions have not been too much of a problem. I’ve been quite blessed with quite a bit or artwork from Brad Foster and I forget who it was sent me a huge amount of fillos by a fan artist who passed away recently. Rostler, William Rotsler. So artwork I haven’t had a problem with fortunately, it’s been articles and getting actually writing done. I’ve been told I can write, but it takes me a long time to do it between writer’s block and 1 17 month-old running around the house.

{{Editor’s Note: At this point, a person entered asking where Boardroom A was. There followed a long discussion concerning the location of Boardroom A. With a 3-to-1 vote (Andrew dissenting), it was eventually decided that Boardroom A must be next to Boardroom B. }}

ACM: So I’ve been very lucky in the artwork department, but most of the verbiage I’ve had to create myself. That’s pretty tough when you’re trying to fill an entire zine which is why mine comes out so infrequently.

JWH: That’s the tough part, filling up the pages with words. Fortunately I have a government job so I have plenty of time to type. It also depends on what kind of zine you’re doing. With a perzine, your own personal zine, you realize that the ultimate responsibility to fill those pages lies with you. If you’re doing a club zine, you’re somewhat at the whim of what the club decides to put in, and if they put out a lot of effort and get you a lot of stuff, then that’s terrific. It cuts down your work immensely. But sometimes you have to harass people to contribute things.

ACM: I remember you were a master at harassing us.

JWH: A master harasser.

S40: I was lucky when I was doing BCSFAzine because we had FRED, which is the weekly drinking thing. And I did cover that was infamous, we didn’t know if it would go across the border. You see a naked Leela on top the Time Lord lying on the floor and his scarf wrapped around the TARDIS. And it says, “Again, Doctor! Again!”

GS: Let’s do the time warp again!

S40: Fosfax wrote to me and asked if they could trade with me. I’d never heard of them before, but they’re quite a famous fanzine with all these famous authors, and they wrote to me to ask me if they could get this issue. Someone had seen it.

GS: Then Timothy Lane took over as editor.

S40: I took the time that if someone commented on something in the zine, I made sure that the person who wrote it saw it. I brought the fanzine to them, I opened the page and I said, “Look at this.” That’s how I got people like Sidney Trim and so to keep contributing, you keep working the people. It sounds cruel, but it works. You take the time and effort, and you get a lot more out of it. I never had trouble getting articles, except one or two in the early days. As far as a clubzine, it sort of was and sort of wasn’t because it was what I could find. The club really didn’t contribute except for upcoming events, which was one of my columns anyway.

GS: I found over and over again that a minority of people will continually get into something participatory for publication on paper. And a majority of people will accept it. Whether they appreciate or whether they have a problem with it, only a minority will tell you. And that’s just the deal. Since the mimeograph era, I’ve found that costs have risen. It’s been a lot easier to do things purely on the Internet. I’m aware of at least one web site, efanzines.com, which is where fanzines are archived in electronic format. I could have produced a long list of what are current zines that I don’t have in paper format. Fanzines are always changing; they change address or title. They’ll always sound goofy. I have in the past produced fanzines with titles like Scuttlebutt, The Maple Leaf Rag, The Perfect Paper, The Filthy Rag, Black Marxist Lesbian Quarterly, Sercon Popcult Litcrit Fanmag, The World According to Garth, and most recently The Royal Swiss Navy Gazette. That’s typical. When I first got into fandom, I heard of a club called The Elves’, Gnomes’ and Little Mens’ Science Fiction Chowder and Marching Society. It’s hard to catalogue things like that. At the Worldcon in Glasgow, some people got together and whipped up a one-shot – a fanzine that’s only going to exist for one issue – on the spur of the moment, very quickly and spontaneously, and it was called The Pork Authority. And I realized that different people have different funny bones, different live nerves. It’s really hard to predict where you’re going to hit them, what’s going to arouse their enthusiasm. And I think that no matter what media you’ve got, what the price structures are, that’s the major quandary.

S40: I think all of us here have been involved in paper fanzines. Part of the Trials and Tribulations of fanzine editing is actually printing it. Now something like {{holds up an old BCSFAZine}} would take about four hours to actually print, because I had the gestenter, the electo-stencil cutter, time seven sheets which would be 14 electro-stencils, plus if you did the colour cover, you had extra ones. And you had ink everywhere. And you’d have a group upstairs. Because it was a clubzine I got get a group of people to do collation and have a big party. And we had a treasurer for a while who wouldn’t give the address labels. So later at FRED, we’d put the stamps on and the labels, because you can’t put the stamps on without the labels.
Audience: How big a run did you do?

S40: Between 100 and 200. This was when we used to have 100 members, a little over 100 members, And the you’d have trades. It added up to a fair bit of time. It was a lot of work to do that, but it was a work of joy for me for the longest time, then it go to be onerous in the end when you’ve got 28 pages every month. ‘Cause that what that is, 28 pages. But I enjoyed it and I’m proud of it.

ACM: For my current zine, I use computer layout which makes life tremendously easy. You can have a fairly polished looking page. That helps quite a bit. In the early days, I did my zine on an Apple Iic because that was the only computer I had at the time. I used software that could not make a margin along the side so I stapled my zine at the top. Which I got plenty of comments on, having an 8 ½ by 11 fanzine stapled at the top.

JWH: It was unique.

ACM: It was. If nothing else, I got known for that. How it was stapled! No one remembers anything I wrote, but it was staple really cool!

JWH: Never read it, but I liked the staples!

ACM: So these days layout is not so much of a problem for me personally. The main problem is afterwards and that’s the expense of printing it. Photocopying has gotten ridiculously expensive lately. And postage has gone up in Canada every year for the past three.

S40: Can I recommend going to some place like Staples Superstore for printing?

ACM: That’s where I do go, but even there the prices have gone up a cent a page in the last year. Layout has gotten easier but everyone has their own fleet of gestentners in the basement anymore. Reproduction is getting costly.
{{Editor’s Note: Transcribing this a year later, the Editor can only shake his head in wonder at how he let that straight line get away unscathed.}}

S40: I did have them but they all went to CascadiaCon. They were given to Seattle people. They came up in a big van, and these people in white coats came and instead of kidnapping me, they took all the gestentners and electro-stencil cutters.

ACM: What happened to them?

S40: They wanted to show all the new fans how the old fans used to print. So I started to get them running and a whole pile of people took pictures of me and a gestentner at CascadiaCon.

JWH: The first zine I was involved was a one-shot we did called The Electric Gang Bang Pork Chop. So there must be something about pork and spontaneous one-shots. {{Editor’s Note: The Editor would like to point out that no pork products were harmed in the creation of The Electric Gang Bang Pork Chop.}}

GS: There was a creative character in Edmonton who came up with something with no pork in it called You Can’t Get to Heaven on Roller Skates Infrequently.

JWH: We should just do a panel on zine names.

GS: Yeah!

S40: There you go!

GS: The problem I have is: a) finding out where all the members are because I’ve had this continual struggle over the last year just establishing who is a current BCSFA member, who’s expired, who’s moved and where did they move to, and it took an extremely long time simply to meet up same time same place with the treasurer and the vice-president—

S40: They have electricity today!

GS: The other problem I have is getting people to understand what I was saying quite clearly in plain English on paper where the words stayed still and you could re-read them. It’s amazing how English is broken down semantically so that you can read the same sentence four ways depending on the state of mind someone is in at that time of the month {{Editor’s Note: I’m sure Garth is referring to “rent day.”}}, or what country they’re in, or what language or speech community they originally come from. It’s very amazing. Within one club.

S40: When I had to do it, originally most people would rejoin at a certain time, so I’d get 13 sheets and type all the names on all the labels, and I’d run 13 sheets, of labels. But then they decided that they don’t all want to renew in May and that made it a lot harder. Most people did renew in May for the longest time at V-Con.

JWH: I was going to say that when I started I did some gestetner work, too. Bernie Klassen had one so we were doing a lot of work with that, but I came in just as that was fading out and computers were coming in The latest issue was done using Pagemaker 7.

S40: You cheated!

JWH: It’s the only way to go! The only way to go! Printing costs are horrible, but what I do is use Pagemaker which very easily exports to pdf and email a lot of copies out to people.

GS: I have a problem. When I was first editing BCSFAZine and using pdf, when I exported to pdf strange things would happen to illustrations, especially on the cover. First, for several issues one half on one side of the cover illustration, just the illustration, would disappear. Just blank white space. And then it was ¾ of the cover illustration would disappear and you would get to see one quarter of it in the upper left hand quadrant. That was when I gave up on Pagemaker. I still to this day do not know what the glitch was. Now over the past year or so, I’ve been struggling with machines, different programs, different conversion strategies. I finally gave up. I’ve been doing this in Word.

S40: You notice what you guys are missing? What’s different about BCSFAZine that’s different from all the rest? No colour. You guys are in black and white. I used to like the fact that you could get blues and reds and browns. Yeah, you can get it on the email version—

ACM: My last issue did have a colour cover—

S40: It’s very rare. It’s sad to see that sometimes— well, you can’t afford to print it in colour. I was going to keep one gestetner with colour ink in case I ever print something I can throw a little colour on it just for fun, but it was too easy to put them on the fun and see them go.

JWH: We did a couple of colour covers for Ozone Hole in the ’90s and —

S40: Oh, I remember that!

JWH: —they looked great but the cost was, oh god, it instantly doubled the cost.

GS: One of the things that we represent, some of us with graying hair, is that we’ve seen several changes in media and that means we’ve learnt crafts several times over. I’ve used spirit duplicators, ditto machines. I’ve seen hectograph. You’ve used mimeograph.

S40: Yeah. I’ve also used inkjet printers and all that. Did you ever do anything like I did? I had collectors that liked BCSFAZine and wanted “The” BCFSAZine so every now and then just to get even with them, I’d throw in different sheets of coloured paper. You’d have a random colour so you couldn’t get all the BCFSAZines identical, I even did one with two different covers once.

ACM: I remember an Under the Ozone Hole that had every issue customized—

JWH: No, it only had eight different covers.

GS: That’s been done several times. In the earliest years—

ACM: I remember the personalized letter columns—

JWH: Go away!

S40: The worst thing I ever did was –and next time I will think very carefully if I ever get involved with that— we did a hoax ad for BCSFAZine. I got together around V-Con 8 with a lady from Edmonton and a person from Calgary and we came with addresses that were not viable. In Calgary it was like “Something SW” and there was no such place. In Edmonton, it was a burnt-down sports arena, and in Vancouver it was the Hotel Devonshire’s parking lot. After they had ripped the hotel down. And so I came up with a title called Jape’s Books, a new chain of bookstore. And I announced this new chain of bookstores and it came out in these other fanzines, and I, not carefully thinking this out, I ran this ad for Jape’s and a number of people went down to this fancy, early opening of Jape’s Books and I forgot that the BCSFA meeting was at my house the next day. Ooooo, they were not happy. They fell for it hook, line and sinker. But I thought they would pick up on the word “Jape.”

GS: You never know what joke people will notice. Or get. Or where the comprehension fails. That’s the problem with any hoax, any satire, and it’s not specific to fanzines.

S40: How many people went to that? Ken, do you remember?

Ken Wong (who had wandered into the wrong room): No, not me!

S40: You were one of the ones complaining and so was David George and a number of other people. You went by at another time and noticed where it was. Every now and then people will do a hoax like the Not the BCSFAZine 100 and Still Not the BCSFAZine 100. Gerald Boyko was supposed to do the 100th issue of BCSFAZine. By the time issue 104 came out, we did Not the BCSFAZine 100 and sent it out to all the BCSFA members, and just after we did Still Not the BCSFAZine 100, just after BCSFAZine 108 came out, then the real BCSFAZine 100 came out.

ACM: Better late than never.

S40: How about you guys and deadlines?

ACM: Well, I’m pretty much wide-open. Always have been. I knew pretty much right from the outset that setting a regular schedule would almost would either kill me or result in a terrible zine since I was providing most of the writing. Since it’s inception there have been gaps of months and in the most recent case, two years between issues simply out of necessity. It’s pretty much a hobby. Some people have been wonderful at keeping deadlines,

S40: BCSFAZine’s been excellent.

ACM: BCSFAZine’s been excellent, but it’s a clubzine though, so that helps.

S40: No, not really. I was still up at 2:00 in the morning wondering “where the hell’s that article”and I had to print that morning because that was the final deadline.

ACM: My zine is officially listed with the National Library of Canada as being “irregular.”

JWH: Well, I try to keep a roughly quarterly schedule with Ozone Hole and I’ve done pretty well except for that nine year gap. But going back to deadlines and clubs, that was the one thing that was a problem when I was doing the club zine. When I’m doing Ozone Hole, it’s just me. I all can do is get mad at myself and I’m not going to do that. With a club zine, it’s good in one sense because you’ve got a lot of people contributing things, but it’s bad in another sense because that deadline’s coming and your on the phone and pulling your hair and screaming at people “You promised me an article! I need it! I have three blank pages waiting for it!”

S40: I must admit that I was lucky there. I always had too much stuff.

GS: I very hard-nosed about deadlines. I can afford to be because a) I produce BCSFAZine on somebody else’s dime, and thereby hangs a few tales I won’t tell, and b) I get somebody else to the actual production of the physical zine. Having a computer to work with solves a lot of my problems enormously. I find it really easy to use boilerplate. I also get other people to do significant chunks of the zine. Sometimes it’s embarrassingly obvious how I slap the thing together.

S40: Here’s another thought. Have any of you gotten anyone really mad at you, almost enemies? I was asking for artwork. And this one person submitted a whole pile of artwork. I said that I disliked dragons intensely and that I would very rarely run them. She sent me pages of dragons. And I ran one of hers, and then I think I ran a second one. But they were all very similar and I didn’t want to run a bunch of them. And she got really really mad at me!

GS: You could have done a one-shot called What a Drag.

S40: You’d get artwork that really wasn’t what you wanted and they would get really mad if you didn’t run it.

ACM: Not so much from what I didn’t run, but I’m very surprised that John didn’t deck me in Winnipeg. I ran an editorial in defense of one friend at the expense of another, and I realize now that I realize now in older wiser times that that was pretty much a mistake. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing and I got the nastiest letter from him as the result.

JWH: But you’ve learned well, Grasshopper.

ACM: So that’s the only instance in my case where I’ve really ticked someone off.

JWH: Yeah, I’ve ticked a few people off.

S40: I don’t want names!

JWH: I’m not giving any! When you’re doing a clubzine like Garth is doing now, especially when it’s on someone else’s dime, there is that struggle between what you want to do as the editor and what the club wants done and perhaps what certain people in the club want done, and that gets into the whole club politics thing spilling over into the zine. That’s why I just gave up on clubzines. I like making a zine and I’m just going to do my own zine.

S40: You mean the club actually interfered? My club never said anything to me.
JWH: Well, it was a rare thing, it didn’t happen all the time. But it happened enough times—

ACM: It got political—

S40: I just realized that the artist that I had rouble with was a club officer—

JWH: Exactly.

GS: Have you noticed that the level of interference with people’s behavior or their rational thinking from not looking at their assumptions? If people want to do their own thing their own way and they enjoy their own hobby activity, that’s one thing. But everyone wants somebody else to something their own way, that’s when you get politics.

S40: Yeah.

ACM: Yeah.

JWH: Yep.

GS: And it took me a long time to realize how much of this bullshit is going on. The other thing that I’m facing most of the time now is people not communicating in terms that I can recognize. I don’t know and I’ve never known what people would want to enjoy in a clubzine. So I’ve pretty much been left to my own devices doing my own thing at other people’s expense. I’m saying that now “on record.”

S40: Another thing to consider. Have you put things in that you thought were totally in bad taste? I already mentioned the Doctor Who cover that I didn’t think would cross the border. The other thing was when they had a meeting at my place and David Stewart didn’t lock the bathroom door and someone burst in the door and took a picture of him sitting on the toilet. I ran that as a cover on BCSFAZine.

ACM: (almost dies laughing)

JWH: I would’ve run that!

S40: But I’m trying to get you guys to say did you ever put out something that you thought was well, maybe that wasn’t such a smart idea? Come on, you must have!

JWH: Only you, Steve.

GS: I can be fairly snide in my editorial columns sometimes. I think that I am self-critical and people can see it but in the editorial and letter columns I can have a very sardonic and somewhat stuffy tone that I think is going to grate with some people. Maybe I’m putting people off and not realizing it.

S40: Maybe what you need is more of a light-hearted tone.

GS: I am being light-hearted. People just don’t quite get my rather Victorian default mode.

S40: What I would try and do is get a couple of people like “Ask Mr. Science.” I’m not particularly funny, but these people are, so I tries to get them to do the funny bits. And that’s another trial and tribulation – what do you want to put into a fanzine?

ACM: When I started my second fanzine, I thought of something that Dale Speirs said which is “have a focus for your zine.” And looking back, my first zine didn’t really have much of one except that I was a fan. So I decided that I wanted to write about science fiction and fandom. So that gives you something you can go for, something you can strive for, and at the same time if you’ve got thoughts percolating in your head that have nothing to do with science fiction and fandom, there’s been a long tradition of that in science fiction fanzines – you’re always going to be wrestling with yourself, does this fit in? What are people going to think about this? I ran an article in my zine following September 11 and it had not terribly much to do with science fiction or fandom except that it referenced myself and my life it’s been the single most commented-on article that I’ve ever written. So it’s where do you draw the line? How much do you put in what form?

JWH: That’s a good approach, to have a focus for your zine. I should try that sometime. I don’t want to limit myself to what I put in the zine. So I don’t have a focused approach to what the zine is going to be about. I try to make sure that everything is well-written and of quality. Let’s put it that way. So I prefer more the quality of a piece as opposed to the specifics of the subject matter. So it goes all over the place. In the latest one I’ve got an article about kayaking I wrote, and an article about The Who, and someone submitted an article about the woman up in the Interior who on Valentine’s Day her car went in the river and she saved herself by eating chocolates until the rescue crew came. She was strapped in her car under water.

GS: The key to underwater survival: bring chocolates.

S40: For me focus – what I tried to do was, being a clubzine, was to think about what fans wanted. Well, they like to eat, so there was a fan food column I’d try to get. They liked humour so I tried to get Mr. Science. I tired to get someone to do movie reviews, I tried to get someone to do book reviews. And then I had an artist do the front cover and the back cover.

GS: Advertising. I’d forgotten that we had advertising. Was that paid advertising?

S40: We got 10% discounts.

GS: When I inherited BCSFAZine, I inherited a bunch of regular ads, I started adding advertisements for writer’s workshops or for my Royal Swiss Navy or The Western Fandom Illuminati. I try to be as general and unfocused in the zine as possible. I try to include things like market news or recently published works by Canadian writers or the evil influence of Danish cultural imperialism on Canadian fandom. I think that I’m going to get some letters of comment eventually.

S40: What about letters of comment?

ACM: Letters of comment are essential.

S40: No, I mean do you get lots?

ACM: I got quite a few from The Usual Bunch of People. By that I mean Lloyd Penney, and Harry Warner Jr., and a lot of people that I traded fanzines with down in the States.

GS: I always though that Lloyd was the Canadian love child of Harry Warner and –

S40: We’ve got about five minutes left, so we should start wrapping this up, unless someone wants to ask a question. Does anyone want to ask a question?

The Audience:

S40: I guess we should wrap up. Thanks for coming!


originally published in Under the Ozone Hole #18

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.

review by John W. Herbert
In the fall of 1993, a new show premiered on Friday nights on Fox. It followed two partners who brought in the bad guys, while encountering strange paranormal events and a government conspiracy to cover them up. It debuted to good ratings and great reviews. And it had a horse who thought he was a human. No, we aren't talking about the X-Files. We're talking about that other show, a comedy/western/sf hybrid that was broadcast an hour before Scully and Mulder: The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.
The set-up was a classic western motif: in 1893, bad guy John Bly breaks out of custody with his gang, killing Marshall Brisco County, Sr. Bounty hunter Brisco Jr. is hired by rail barons to hunt down Bly and his gang, but because of the high price on Bly's head, Brisco is in competition with other bounty hunters, including the notorious Lord Bowler. But Bly has bigger fish to fry, and here's where the show becomes more than just a western. Bly's after a mysterious golden orb that has strange mystical powers.
Sent on missions by his boss Socrates Poole, Brisco encounters more than his share of outrageous characters along the trail: noted gunslinger Utah Johnny Montana (who used to be called Utah Johnny Cougar Montana but stopped using Cougar as it sounded too pretentious); the hapless bad guy Pete who dies more times than South Park's Kenny and has an unhealthy attachment to his pistol ("You're touching my piece! Nobody touches Pete's Piece!"); Sheriff Aron Viva (an ancestor of Elvis's); and Professor Wickwire, who invents, among other things, a rocket car, a diving suit and an airship (apparently financed by a German investor named Von Zeppelin). Brisco also has more than a few encounters with a saloon siren, the delectable Dixie Cousins.
The superb cast is anchored by B-movie hero Bruce Campbell as Brisco. He brings just the right amount of sincerity, strength and good humour to the role. No one will ever accuse him of being a great actor, but Campbell is perfect for this role. It's hard to imagine anyone else in the part. Julius Carry brought his very large presence to the character of Lord Bowler, a fellow bounty hunter who eventually teams up with Brisco. And the legendary John Astin brought his quirky charms to Professor Wickwire. Plus, special mention must be made of Billy Drago, who played Brisco's nemesis John Bly like he was from another planet (there's a hint for you).
It's not hard to see why Brisco's rating floundered as the season went on and was eventually canceled after after only one season; it's a very offbeat show, with wacky humour strewn among the pop-cult references. It's a western poking fun at western conventions. And it's also a sci-fi show, with the mysterious orb and its fantastic power the driving force behind many episodes. It's no wonder viewers didn't know what to make of it, but I enjoyed it a lot. I was surprised that the orb storyline was wrapped up about three-quarters of the way through the season, but I suspect had Brisco returned for a second season that the orb and John Bly would have returned. It was the orb plot that made the show something unique and after that was seemingly dealt with, the show settled back into being just a western, albeit a light and occasionally silly one. And although Brisco was criticized for being an overly violent show back in the day, Brisco never actually shot anyone.
The DVD box set has the complete series, plus a commentary track featuring Bruce Campbell and series co-creator Carlton Cuse on the pilot episode. They paint a fun picture, describing a hard but enjoyable shoot, and they also reveal all (such as it is) about the orb. There's also a short "making of" documentary, and a brief bit with Bruce Campbell reading from his book If Chins Could Kill. The highlight of the special features is a 45-minute round table discussion with the writers and co-creator Cuse. (A few of the writers now work on Lost, and viewers of that show might want to pay particular attention when the discussion turns to "orb mythology.")
So spend a few bucks and harken back to the thrilling days of yesteryear....

originally published in UTOH #18, October 2006