BloodRayne

review by John W. Herbert
It’s not often that a film will come along that is so bad not even I will like it. BloodRayne is one such film. The plot is derivative, as is most of this movie. Kristianna Loken stars as Rayne, a Damphir, part human-part vampire. She is being pursued by a vampire overlord (played by Ben Kingsley, who must be paying off a lost bet by being in this), and some human vampire hunters led by Michael Madsen. Along the way, she learns secrets about her past, gains special powers, confronts her father blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda. This film looks like it had a budget equivalent my allowance when I was eleven. The vampire make-up looks like Buffy leftovers. This film is filled with bloody violence that is about as realistic and comical as the Black Knight scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Oh, wait – BloodRayne isn’t a comedy!Madsen is horribly miscast in this, but so is everyone else, too. Loken has some screen presence, but nothing can save her in this mess, and no-one else brings anything to their parts. Except for Meatloaf, who, in his only brief scene, deliriously chews on the scenery and swallows it whole. (He clearly is the only person who realizes what a piece of frommage he’s in – he’s billed in this film as “Meatloaf Aday.”)
Avoid this film at all costs.
Please.

originally piblished in UTOH #18, October 2006