JFK : No F'ing Way

by Karl Johanson

The U.S. government involved in crooked activities? Give me a break. If President John F. Kennedy had been killed by members of the U.S. government then democracy would have been negated. Persons alleged to have been involved to one degree or another are still in positions of power. It is arguable that to this day democracy would still be only an illusion in the U.S. if the alleged coup d'etat had taken place in 1963.

Oswald worked alone. His first move was to plant "President's car goes this way past the book depository at eleven miles per hour" signs all along the parade route to divert the limo. He then pretended to have a seizure on the road tying up the ambulance intended for the president in the event of an emergency. He obviously had a motorbike in the back of the ambulance which he used to ride back to the book depository and up the stairs to his sniper's nest.

Oswald didn't fire as the president's car approached the book depository (the easier shot) because he might have been left handed or something. He used a poorly-sighted, mail order, bolt action, 6.5mm, WWII vintage Mannlicher-Carcano rifle because it looks neat. He also left a tape recorder in the book depository which broadcast subliminal messages which convinced the police chief that the rifle found was at first a German 7.65 Mauser (which looks just like the Mannlicher-Carcano except for its size, shape, caliber and the lack of a "Made in Italy" stamp).

Oswald quickly sprinted downstairs, past the holographic projection of himself drinking Coke which he had set up in the cafeteria, and outside. Carrying his portable 8mm movie film retouching kit, he quickly stole Zapruder's movie camera and doctored the film to make it look as if there were other gunman. (He realized he couldn't alter the sign which blocks Kennedy for a portion of the film, so he snuck out of jail the next day and removed the sign.) From there he ran through the crowd starting rumours about other gunmen and he picked the K-Tel Inflatable Novelty Gunman he'd planted on the grassy knoll to trick people.

There has been some controversy concerning how a single bullet could have changed directions several times and stopped completely for a second and a half. Anyone who has seen any of the films kept hidden by security agencies so commies can't get them, knows the answer. Kennedy sneezed, causing him to lean forward just the bullet entered his neck (or was it his upper back? Neck, back -- who cares?) from behind and lodged in his throat. He sat back upright and sneezed again, causing the bullet to be expelled through the front of his throat into Governor Connally's wrist (frame 278 of the Zapruder film clearly shows Connally picking the president's nose). The bullet went from there through Connally's chest and into his left thigh. (Frame 279 shows Connally with his left leg against his chest and his foot behind his head.) The bullet which appeared to hit Kennedy in the head from the front obviously was fired from behind and ricocheted off the limo's bullet proof fuzzy dice. While firing, Oswald threw a pristine bullet into the President's jacket as he went by. In the hospital, this bullet fell out of the pocket and bounced up onto a stretcher were it was found.

After escaping from the book depository, Oswald drove to a point two blocks away from Jack Ruby's house and shot officer Tippit to remove suspicion from himself as the assassin.

The rest was easy for Oswald. He merely had to get the president's car cleaned to remove evidence, give false orders, to U.S. military personal telling them to make sure the autopsy got screwed up, trick the Warren Commission into misquoting many of their witnesses (and to delete Mrs. Kennedy's altogether), hypnotize who interrogated him into not recording his any of his questioning, clone a duplicate of himself for Ruby to kill, and then kill more than 150 people with knowledge of the conspiracy. (Oswald knew that if the U.S. government knew the truth, they'd certainly not hesitate to tell the American public.)

Epilogue: Lee Harvey Oswald is currently living on a farm in Nevada with Elvis, Amelia Earhardt, and the Loch Ness Monster. Several UFOs have been sighted in the area. The break-up of the U.S.S.R. is all a trick! A lie, I tell you! Even now, they're plotting to....

Originally published by Under the Ozone Hole Number Two – November, 1992

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